Signs Of Our Times

First published January 27, 2006

In the Northwest terminal of the Detroit Metro Airport there is a sign right in the middle of the line to the security check point. Since it's the only can't-miss-it warning sign in the area, this baby clearly deals with the most critical anti-terrorism issue of the day. The sign says:

"Federal Law Prohibits Bringing Fireworks Aboard Any Commercial Aircraft."

Ok now, right away this raises a couple of questions.

First off, is it really all that common for people to show up at the airport with a couple of bottle rockets and a cherry bomb in their carry-on? It must be, or else they wouldn't have bothered coming up with a Federal Law which Prohibits it. I guess a lot of people just feel the need to blow up a coke can at 25,000 feet.

Second, are fireworks really the major potential danger we're facing on the aircraft? I'm no expert, but I would really think that a stick of dynamite or a bazooka might pose a bigger problem for everybody concerned. To be fair though, I guess that's pretty obvious. I mean, how silly would it be to have a sign that said, "Federal Law Prohibits Bringing Sticks Of Dynamite Or Bazookas Aboard Any Commercial Aircraft."

Which brings us to the point of this particular column - the role of Barney the Dinosaur in fostering homicidal tendencies among the parents of pre-schoolers.

No, wait. That's a different column. This one is about signs.

Now I'm the first to admit that there are a lot of signs around that we actually need. Signs like "Stop," "Yield," or "Caution! Man-Eating Shark In Swimming Pool," are all signs that bring us potentially useful information.

Of course there are some signs that don't necessarily say what they mean. For example, "Ten Items Or Less" in the grocery store is apparently just a rough guideline, shorthand for, "If You Were Able To Cram All The Stuff You're Buying Into One Cart You Can Still Use The 'Express' Lane, Because After All, Your Time Is Clearly More Valuable Than That Of The Guy In Line Behind You Who Is Buying A Gallon Of Milk And A Bag Of Tangelos."

And then there are signs that are out there simply because the guy who bought them, usually on behalf of some government entity, has a brother-in-law who sells signs. For example, I have a photograph that I found on the Internet, of a sign that says "Caution - Water On Road During Rain." I have another one that says, "Caution - No Warning Signs," and yet another that says, "Absolutely Nothing Next 22 Miles."

As you travel around the world, language and cultural differences can also produce some pretty interesting examples of public communications. I have shots, apparently taken in England, of a "Waiter Crossing" sign and a triangular "Elderly People" sign - complete with a silhouette icon of a stoop-shouldered couple walking with a cane.

In Sweden I photographed signs over the entrance and exit of a parking structure that said, "Infart," with an adjacent traffic sign that says "Slow," and "Utfart," with an adjacent traffic sign that says, "Stop," all of which presumably translates to "Entrance" and "Exit." Hopefully it refers to automobiles.

My favorite sign of all time is a rectangular yellow monster that I found online, which says, in big bold letters, "Caution - This Sign Has SHARP EDGES. Do Not Touch The Edges Of This Sign." Below, in much smaller type it says, "Also, the Bridge Is Out Ahead."

My first impulse is to think that this must be a hoax. I don't know, though - most signs are the end product of a collaboration between a civil servant and the lowest bidder...

You'll find pictures of the signs I mentioned in this column, plus some others I particularly like, online at http://www.learnedsofar.com/blog/. If you have your own pictures of some great signs to share, join the Blog (just send me a username and password so I can make you an official Blogger) and post them for the world to enjoy.


Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball

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Stupid Winter Hats

First published January 13, 2006

You know, to me the worst thing about a Midwestern winter is not the gray skies. It’s not the freezing rain, or the snow, or the sleet, or the skidding on one heel across a parking lot clutching a bag of groceries in one arm and doing the “windmill prayer” (Oh God, oh God, oh God…) with the other.

It’s the stupid winter hats.

Now, we’re all aware of the studies quoted by generations of Midwestern mothers which prove that at least 170% of your body heat escapes through your head. Apparently all that heat erupts right through your hair like a roman candle, and once it’s all gone you “catch your death of cold.”

According to this carefully-documented research, a hat serves as a sort of “body heat bottle cap.” As a result, every Midwestern child grows up duty-bound to keep some kind of lid twisted onto his or her head from Thanksgiving through about a week before Easter.

As you have probably already noticed, most kids can get away with wearing clothing, especially hats, that make them look like little trolls or Oompa-Loompas. You can plop just about anything on their little melons and they end up being “cute.” And the same is true for most women – remember how adorable Diane Keaton looked in Annie Hall?

As for me, I just plain don’t look good in hats, and “cute” has never been a particularly realistic goal. If you were to put that same Annie Hall hat on me, within seconds you would have the neighbors dialing up the Help! There’s a Psychotic Pervert On My Block hotline.

Here, in detail, are some of the headgear “looks” I’ve experimented with over the years:

The Elmer Fudd – If you’re anywhere near as old as I am (hint – I now measure my age in “eons” rather than “years”) your mom might have put you in one of these gems when you were about seven. This hat is kind of like a baseball cap with a flat top and ear flaps, and it makes a fashion statement that cries out, “Beat me up and take my lunch money.”

The Toque – For those of you who have never spent time “Up North” or in Canada, a “toque” is one of those wool beanies like the one sported by that Waldo character everybody wants to find. Around here we call them “stocking caps.” Some young guys, like my son, can yank one of these down to their eyebrows and look good, if a little bit sinister. Not me. Even without the mask and the horizontal-striped shirt I wind up looking like a cartoon burglar.

The Cossack – Big furry hats might look terrific on gold miners, polar explorers and Russian Prime Ministers, but they make me look like I was involved in an unfortunate incident involving the hindquarters of a sheep dog.

The Great Detective – This is that tweed hat with the droopy brim and ear flaps worn by Sherlock Holmes. It is called a “Deerstalker,” presumably because any deer catching sight of you with this thing on your head would be laughing so hard that it would make an easy target. I once tried a cousin of the deerstalker, introduced to the world by Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies. Every time I wore it I got attacked in my parlor by a little Chinese guy.

Besides these major millinery themes I’ve tried lots of other, less classic options, ranging from fluffy pink ear muffs to cowboy hats. I’ve even tried combinations – it turns out, fluffy pink ear muffs worn with a cowboy hat also gets you beat up. On the up side, the guys who beat you up for this hardly ever take your lunch money.

So there you have it. Even though my mother’s not around any more to supervise my cranial thermodynamics, I’m still trying to find something I could wear on my head to honor her memory without subjecting the lady next door to permanent psychological damage.

Any suggestions?

Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball

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2006 – The Year In Preview

First published January 6, 2006

Dear Readers:

As we enter the new year, pretty much everybody with a word processor is doing a Year In Review column. They’re trying to make us relive a bunch of stuff we’re just glad to have made it through the first time.

Not me! To commemorate the new year I’ve decided to grab my crystal ball, along with that bottle of Irish whiskey I got for Christmas, and take you on a voyage into the future. Welcome to:

2006 – The Year In Preview

January – Scientists at the National Institute of Health discover that radiation from the wildly popular Apple iPod causes users to turn into silhouettes that dance around hysterically (but well). While many officials are concerned about this phenomenon, iPod sales skyrocket as millions of women buy them for dancing-challenged white male husbands and boyfriends.

February – Tom DeLay finally completes his legal haggling and goes to trial before a judge, jury and court staff consisting entirely of Republican campaign workers. He decides that constant smirking and swaggering haven’t done enough to demonstrate how confident he is, so on the first day of the trial he borrows Michael Jackson’s SUV and moonwalks on the roof.

March – The Bird Flu has still not made its predicted deadly assault on mankind. However, the Center For Disease Control announces that cases of Bird Sniffles have appeared in Patterson, New Jersey, when a parakeet and two Cockatoos develop runny beaks.

April – Motorola unveils the “Razor II” cell phone, billed as “… The thinnest, sharpest wireless device ever.” The new phone is quickly recalled when hundreds of people using them in cars hit potholes and slice off their noses.

May – The Republican campaign workers convict Tom DeLay on all counts with which he is charged. He immediately seeks an appeal based on the fact that the bailiff’s great uncle might have voted for Truman.

June – The must-have Father’s Day gift of 2006 is the Digital Lawn Mower. The device is cool-looking, shiny and compact, but it has an unfortunate habit of freezing up just when you get to an interesting spot in the lawn.

July – In a July 4th speech George W. Bush vigorously attacks critics of the Iraq war, drawing parallels with America’s struggle for independence and saying that car bombs are just “…those darn playful Iraqis’ version of our Bottle Rocket.”

August – Absolutely nothing happens, since everybody is on vacation.

September – Blackberry, the makers of the business-essential combination of a cell phone and a personal digital assistant, launches a new model aimed at “Executives on the Run,” who may be too busy to stop for lunch. This revolutionary device, called the “Snackberry,” dispenses reliable instant communications, along with an order of Bennigan’s Pot Stickers.

October – Force-five hurricane “Marvin” lifts Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana completely off the Gulf coast and drops them in western Ontario. Miraculously, nobody is injured, and they all decide stay in Canada for the Molson and the free health care.

November – The Congressional midterm elections arrive, and for the first time in history every contest ends up in a tie. This activates a little-known clause in the Constitution which requires Ed Gillespie, chairman of the Republican National Committee and Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, to fight to the death during halftime of a Washington Redskins game. Ironically, when they fight everybody in the United States is out making a sandwich, and nobody cares enough afterward to find out what happened.

December – A story in the New York Times reveals that since 2002 the NSA has been monitoring domestic Christmas cards at the request of Bill O’Reilly, who asserts that the ones which say, “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” are “Ho-Ho-Helping The Yuletide Terrorists.” Coincidentally, the CIA treats the entire editorial staff of the Times to an all-expenses-paid vacation at a secret “Holiday Resort” in Bulgaria.

So there you have it folks, everything you could ever need to know about the twelve months we have ahead of us. If I’ve overlooked anything, just try to deal with it. Have a happy and safe New Year!

Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball

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