2006 – The Year In Preview

First published January 6, 2006

Dear Readers:

As we enter the new year, pretty much everybody with a word processor is doing a Year In Review column. They’re trying to make us relive a bunch of stuff we’re just glad to have made it through the first time.

Not me! To commemorate the new year I’ve decided to grab my crystal ball, along with that bottle of Irish whiskey I got for Christmas, and take you on a voyage into the future. Welcome to:

2006 – The Year In Preview

January – Scientists at the National Institute of Health discover that radiation from the wildly popular Apple iPod causes users to turn into silhouettes that dance around hysterically (but well). While many officials are concerned about this phenomenon, iPod sales skyrocket as millions of women buy them for dancing-challenged white male husbands and boyfriends.

February – Tom DeLay finally completes his legal haggling and goes to trial before a judge, jury and court staff consisting entirely of Republican campaign workers. He decides that constant smirking and swaggering haven’t done enough to demonstrate how confident he is, so on the first day of the trial he borrows Michael Jackson’s SUV and moonwalks on the roof.

March – The Bird Flu has still not made its predicted deadly assault on mankind. However, the Center For Disease Control announces that cases of Bird Sniffles have appeared in Patterson, New Jersey, when a parakeet and two Cockatoos develop runny beaks.

April – Motorola unveils the “Razor II” cell phone, billed as “… The thinnest, sharpest wireless device ever.” The new phone is quickly recalled when hundreds of people using them in cars hit potholes and slice off their noses.

May – The Republican campaign workers convict Tom DeLay on all counts with which he is charged. He immediately seeks an appeal based on the fact that the bailiff’s great uncle might have voted for Truman.

June – The must-have Father’s Day gift of 2006 is the Digital Lawn Mower. The device is cool-looking, shiny and compact, but it has an unfortunate habit of freezing up just when you get to an interesting spot in the lawn.

July – In a July 4th speech George W. Bush vigorously attacks critics of the Iraq war, drawing parallels with America’s struggle for independence and saying that car bombs are just “…those darn playful Iraqis’ version of our Bottle Rocket.”

August – Absolutely nothing happens, since everybody is on vacation.

September – Blackberry, the makers of the business-essential combination of a cell phone and a personal digital assistant, launches a new model aimed at “Executives on the Run,” who may be too busy to stop for lunch. This revolutionary device, called the “Snackberry,” dispenses reliable instant communications, along with an order of Bennigan’s Pot Stickers.

October – Force-five hurricane “Marvin” lifts Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana completely off the Gulf coast and drops them in western Ontario. Miraculously, nobody is injured, and they all decide stay in Canada for the Molson and the free health care.

November – The Congressional midterm elections arrive, and for the first time in history every contest ends up in a tie. This activates a little-known clause in the Constitution which requires Ed Gillespie, chairman of the Republican National Committee and Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, to fight to the death during halftime of a Washington Redskins game. Ironically, when they fight everybody in the United States is out making a sandwich, and nobody cares enough afterward to find out what happened.

December – A story in the New York Times reveals that since 2002 the NSA has been monitoring domestic Christmas cards at the request of Bill O’Reilly, who asserts that the ones which say, “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” are “Ho-Ho-Helping The Yuletide Terrorists.” Coincidentally, the CIA treats the entire editorial staff of the Times to an all-expenses-paid vacation at a secret “Holiday Resort” in Bulgaria.

So there you have it folks, everything you could ever need to know about the twelve months we have ahead of us. If I’ve overlooked anything, just try to deal with it. Have a happy and safe New Year!

Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball