A Dictionary For BONEHEDs

First published November 25, 2005

Not too long ago on this page we formed a group called the Bureau Of Nearly Everybody Hacking English Down. Since then prospective BONEHEDs have contacted me from every part of the country, enlisting in the noble effort to escort our language – in shackles, kicking and screaming if necessary – into the twenty-first century.


Last week I got a text message about BONEHED on my cell phone. This was my first text message ever (other than the one that came with the phone, which welcomed me to the incredible world of text messaging, and which is still on my phone because I don’t have any idea how to delete it). The message, from a young woman, read:

DEER MR FNYGY

Y I OTTA RYAOABYWTBS. U GOT ABRVS RONG. U R A WOMBAT

H&K, YR FAN, JESSICA

Ok, I’ll admit this one had me completely baffled, until I got my son to help me translate it:

DEER MR FNYGY = Dear Mr. Funny Guy

Y I OTTA = Why I ought to

RYAOABYWTBS = rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump

U GOT ABRVS RONG = You got the abbreviations wrong

U R A = You are a

WOMBAT = You know, it’s a funny thing; by the time we got to this one I thought I was getting the hang of this whole deal, so I figured that this meant Wonderful, Outstanding Man, Brilliant And Talented. Not quite. It means Waste Of Money, Brains And Time.

H&K = Hugs and kisses

YR FAN = Your Fan

JESSICA = Mary

Well Mary, I’m glad to have you for a fan, and I welcome you to BONEHED. All I have to say is, “My HHIS” (My Head’s Hanging In Shame) – next time I’ll try to get the abrvs ryt.

This whole incident has me wondering if there are occasions when sending a text message may not be such a great idea. Like this:

JOHN

I M DMPNG U.

MARCIA

Here Marcia appears to be breaking off some sort of romantic relationship with John. This is her prerogative, of course, but doing it this way seems a bit harsh and impersonal. It would be much kinder for her to communicate this message, with its many underlying emotional implications, in lipstick on the bathroom mirror.

Here’s another example:

DEER KIM,

U R 4 ME. WIL U B MY M8?

WELL, IGTR (I’ve Got To Run), BILL

Here Bill is clearly proposing marriage to Kim, but it seems like there must be a more romantic way to go about it. For instance, he could find a cool picture of a penguin wearing a top and hat holding an engagement ring, then email it to her.

Other questionable uses for text messaging might include a Summons:

U R ORDRD 2 APEER

… a thank-you note:

DEER ANT RUTH,

THNX,

BOBBIE

… bad news:

U R GONNA CROAK

… good news:

OOPS, I MENT 2 DIAL YR B-I-L (brother-in-law) 4 THAT CROAK THNG

… or suicide notes:

C YA

In any case, it is clear that we need to set some standards for our proud new version of the English language – and we BONEHEDs are just the folks to do it! If all of you readers would email me with your favorite acronyms and abbreviations, I’ll put them together for us into a BONEHED’s dictionary. Send your ideas to bonehed@learnedsofar.com.

Merriam-Webster, eat your heart out!

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball