Caramel Apples, Yellowjackets, And Other Signs That Summer’s Over

First published October 7, 2005

October in Michigan is a magical thing. The leaves are beginning to change, the nights are cooler, and the kids are back in school.

From the football stadium, the festive sounds of the marching band, the referee’s whistle, the tearing ligaments, and the snapping bones fill the crisp autumn air.

We’ve all been spoiled by a long wonderful summer of warm-weather activities, when we could go out to the lake or the golf course or the chain gang on just about any afternoon and enjoy soaking up enough ultraviolet radiation to toast a bagel.

But now the boats are snuggled away in their shrink wrap and your nine iron is resting peacefully on the bottom of that pond near the green on number twelve. It’s time to switch over to Fall Fun.

One thing I always like to do is visit the neighborhood Cider Mill And Yellowjacket Wasp Preserve. This is a place where you can enjoy cinnamon donuts, caramel apples, fresh apple cider, and stinging insects motivated enough to swipe a Coney dog right off your paper plate.

I once knew a guy who became a legend by surviving three trips to the Cider Mill trash barrel in one afternoon! Unfortunately, on the fourth trip he had a couple of French fries stuck to the seat of his jeans – he disappeared into the cloud of wasps and was never seen again.

In the meantime, the hunters are all getting warmed up for deer season, blowing practice holes in Stop signs throughout the Midwest. As Opening Day draws nearer their workouts will get more intense, until they’re blasting Yield signs and, eventually, the smaller and more elusive Speed Limit signs.

The deer are out in the woods doing wind sprints and other cardio, obviously working on building endurance and foot speed.

As I’m sure you know, the bow hunters always get the first crack at the deer. My friend Clyde “Drinks Much Budweiser” Thumpwell claims to be part Native American, and prefers hunting with a bow. He says, “It gives the deer a sporting chance.”

When Clyde hunts he hides in a blind halfway up a tree wearing head-to-foot camouflage. He douses himself with doe urine to mask his scent. He uses a compound bow, equipped with a GPS-enabled laser targeting system, that is capable of pounding an arrow through the door of a Volkswagen. He fires scientifically designed arrows with the stopping power of a Patriot missile.

The only way the deer are going to get any chance with Clyde, sporting or otherwise, is if he Drinks a little too Much Budweiser and falls out of the tree.

Of course, you should never forget the lesser-known Autumn activities that are available to us. These include:

Half-heartedly Congratulating People Whose Favorite Baseball Teams Made The Playoffs (a tradition in the Detroit area for many years);

Jumping Into The Leaf Pile When The Neighbors Aren’t Looking (only really fun if you avoid building the leaf pile on top of the lawn mower); and

Reminding Yourself That You Only Have To Cut The Grass A Few More Times (if you could only find that darned lawn mower…).

So be creative. However you choose to occupy these golden days of Fall, just remember that the glories of Winter are just around the corner.

Aaaaaaaaarrrgggghhhhhh!

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball