What I've Learned So Far...: November 2009

Thanksgiving On The Brink

Brenna & Mike What I've Learned So Far...

Thanksgiving On The Brink

“Of course we’ll have Thanksgiving at our house this year, Aunt Ellen! I’ll write notes to everyone and tell them!” Mom hung up the phone with a crooked smile and began to sing softly to herself;

Oh where did I leave that bottle of Scotch
The bottle of Scotch, my sweet bottle of Scotch?
Oh where did I leave that bottle of Scotch?
It’s half past nine in the morning…

Great Aunt Ellen had just explained that for the first time in a generation she and Great Uncle Charlie could not host the family's annual Thanksgiving get-together. It seems that over the weekend Great Uncle Charlie tried to repair a drain in the kitchen sink, and the federal hazmat teams will not be finished with the house until mid-January.

This news did not make Mom all that happy. The last time she was in charge of hosting a family get-together was the Christmas best remembered for the Canine Culinary Calamity in which the humans dined on canned corned beef from the Speedway while Carl the Dog and Bernie The Schnauzer feasted on the spiral-sliced ham that was forgotten at the bottom of Grandma and Grandpa’s garbage bag of gifts.

"Must prepare. Need help. Everyone coming here in a week. No time. Oh God. No time."

"Mom," shouted Todd Junior from the upstairs bathroom, "Do we have more bath towels?"

"Why Dear?"

"Because there are only nine in here, and it doesn't look like that's going to be enough to soak up all the toilet water on the floor."

Read On...

If you enjoy What I've Learned So Far... and would like to see it in your local paper, just send the editor an impassioned plea and this link to my Web site.

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- mike

Mike Ball

Author of What I've Learned So Far...
Winner of the 2003 Erma Bombeck Award

Web: whativelearnedsofar.com
E-mail: mike@whativelearnedsofar.com

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Hunting Season: Rabbits 1, Hunters 0

Brenna & Mike What I've Learned So Far...

Hunting Season: Rabbits 1, Hunters 0

I might be the only male resident of Michigan who is not spending these early days of November stockpiling ammunition and Slim Jims in anticipation of deer season. It’s not that I object to hunting; I just don’t care to do it. And I don’t have anything bad to say about hunters. Of course, this is partly because I make it a rule never say anything bad about people with guns.

I think most of my reluctance to blast woodland creatures goes back to when I was about twelve years old and my dad, also not a hunter, decided to take me out to shoot some rabbits. Two things made him decide to do this:

1. He had inherited a single-shot 12-gauge shotgun from his Grandfather, who had told him that it was good for rabbit hunting.

2. He believed that that we could probably figure out what to do with some rabbits if we happened to get any.

So one bright Saturday morning my dad handed me a burlap bag for “the kill” and a small red box of shotgun shells, A.K.A., “the bullets”. Then he piled me, the shotgun, and our dog, a plump little brown female mutt named Scamp, into his white Volkswagen Beetle and we headed out. Scamp kept watch with her head out the window, alertly smashing bugs with her nose and forehead.

Read On...

If you enjoy What I've Learned So Far... and would like to see it in your local paper, just send the editor an impassioned plea and this link to my Web site.

Also, chase all your friends on over to my Web site to sign up, so they can enjoy it too! They'll thank you, and so will I.

- mike

Mike Ball

Author of What I've Learned So Far...
Winner of the 2003 Erma Bombeck Award

Web: whativelearnedsofar.com
E-mail: mike@whativelearnedsofar.com

You may automatically unsubscribe from this list at any time by visiting the following URL:

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Mike Is USA Today Kindness Community Hero

Brenna & Mike What I've Learned So Far...

Mike Is USA Today Kindness Community Hero

This is just a quick note to let you know that I was named the first ever USA Today Kindness Community Hero yesterday for my work with Lost Voices. This was a real honor for the Lost Voices gang, and gives us some much-needed national recognition!

Check it out - and tell everybody you know!

- mike

If you enjoy What I've Learned So Far... and would like to see it in your local paper, just send the editor an impassioned plea and this link to my Web site.

Also, chase all your friends on over to my Web site to sign up, so they can enjoy it too! They'll thank you, and so will I.

- mike

Mike Ball

Author of What I've Learned So Far...
Winner of the 2003 Erma Bombeck Award

Web: whativelearnedsofar.com
E-mail: mike@whativelearnedsofar.com

You may automatically unsubscribe from this list at any time by visiting the following URL:

http://www.jmball.com/dlist/mail.cgi/u/wilsf/

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Flu For Two

Brenna & Mike What I've Learned So Far...

Flu For Two

Well, it's another Autumn here in Michigan. Tigers fans are trying to get excited about watching the Yankees and the Phillies in the World Series; hunters are polishing their bullets and stockpiling Slim Jims in anticipation of Opening Day; soggy maple leaves are clogging up all the rain gutters; otherwise sane and rational mothers are wiggling into Sexy Firefighter, Sexy Pirate, or Sexy Investment Banker costumes for the neighborhood Halloween party; and the annual pitched battle over who is going to eat Thanksgiving dinner where and with whom is about to get underway.

Oh yeah, and the Flu is here.

This year we are all excited about the H1N1 virus, better known as "Swine Flu." Not only is this an extremely virulent strain of influenza, especially dangerous and even life-threatening to children and pregnant women; it just sounds pretty darned unpleasant.

I mean, think about it. It seems to me that adding the word "Swine" gives pretty much anything a nasty connotation. Could you really enjoy a "Swine Milk Shake?" On the other hand, "Playful Kitten Flu" doesn't really seem like it should be all that bad.

Read On...

If you enjoy What I've Learned So Far... and would like to see it in your local paper, just send the editor an impassioned plea and this link to my Web site.

Also, chase all your friends on over to my Web site to sign up, so they can enjoy it too! They'll thank you, and so will I.

- mike

Mike Ball

Author of What I've Learned So Far...
Winner of the 2003 Erma Bombeck Award

Web: whativelearnedsofar.com
E-mail: mike@whativelearnedsofar.com