Ask Dr. Mike Episode 3

What Were We Talking About?
First published March 24, 2006

Over the past few weeks we’ve introduced a new feature in this column, called “Ask Dr. Mike,” in which we tackle difficult real(ish) problems from genuine(ish) readers, with all the wisdom and insight that comes from years of writing hilarious(ish) jokes.

I should mention that my doctorate is actually a PhD (Phony Doctorate) in Bartending from the University of Tim On Line. Good old UTOL is a fine institution of higher education, and they’ll be back to offering a full catalog of diplomas ($25 each, three for $60) in the fall once Tim completes his fifty hours of community service.

By incredible coincidence, our first letter addresses this very subject:

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

Why I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

Exactly how does a PhD from the University of Tim qualify you to solve peoples’ problems? You never show the professionalism of Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil by viciously attacking people’s feelings, beliefs or life choices. What are you, some kind of a wimp? How dare you condone people doing what they believe, instead of what I believe!

I was also wondering how I could have known about that University of Tim thing without reading the first two paragraphs of this column?

You commie fag junkie.

Your biggest fan,

A Pretty Implausible Reader

Gosh Pretty, thanks for writing me with those great questions.

First off, the exact title printed on the degree isn’t everything. As I’ve pointed out before, Dr. Laura’s PhD is in something like the Mechanics of Croquet which, now that I think of it, sort of explains why she isn’t always completely in line with modern psychological theory.

Dr. Phil actually has a degree in psychology, so I’m not sure what his excuse is.

Anyway, I just answer these questions as a regular guy, an average Joe – some might even say, a big palooka. This means that If I come up with an answer that is in any way useful or meaningful, it will either be a complete accident or a minor miracle.

As to your second question… I forgot what you asked. Sorry.

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

Why I ought to stump your arm off and rip you with the bloody beat.

As a wife and mother, I was wondering what might be going on in the mind of a man when he is yelling at sports on television. Does he really think the players, the coaches or the refs can hear him?

Also, I think Pretty Implausible Reader was really mean to you, calling you a wimp. You can’t help it if you’re a kind and gentle person (a wimp). Instead, we should commend you for your tender good nature and sensitivity.

You scum-sucking pig

Sincerely,

Almost As Implausible

Gosh Almost, you bring up a good point when you ask what might be going on in the mind of a man. As a man myself I have to say that odds are, not really all that much.

You see, we men are simple creatures. We respond to basic stimuli in a straightforward cycle of action and reaction, much like an amoeba pulling away from an electric shock, or a chemical industry lobbyist voting Republican.

When we men shout at the television, we are responding to primeval stimuli that urge us respond in specific ways to the situation. It all goes back to one caveman watching another caveman fight a saber-tooth tiger. If the caveman who was watching was smart, he would watch from a distance. If he was really smart, he would watch from far enough away that he couldn’t be heard if he shouted – and he would shout just to make sure. Of these two cavemen, guess which one was around long enough to pass his genes down to our generation?

So when modern man sits in his living room and screams at a 285 pound linebacker on television, he is simply trying to keep from being eaten by a giant man-eating cat.

Well that’s it for this column. Be sure to send your important questions to drmike@learnedsofar.com or go to http://www.drfunnyguy.com and post them there. I won’t promise you helpful answers, but I will always make up something that sounds convincing. Sort of.

Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball