Ask Dr. Mike – Relationships Episode 2

The Empress Strikes Back
First published March 17, 2006

Last week we introduced a new advice column feature in which we tackled the issue of relationships. By an astonishing coincidence, all the fake readers who wrote in were men asking for relationship advice, providing us with a sort of “premise” or “theme” for the piece.

This week, the women get to have their say.

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

Why I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

I was deeply offended by your last column, in which you said that a woman could develop a relationship with a bowl of Häagen-Dazs.

What a terrible generalization! Not this woman! I couldn’t form a serious relationship with anything less than a full quart of Häagen-Dazs, and then it would have to be Rum Raisin.

Ok, maybe Butter Pecan.

Anyway, before we were married my husband bought me flowers, gave me nice gifts, and took me out to nice restaurants. These days his idea of a thoughtful romantic evening is trimming his toenails over a newspaper before the hockey game starts, so we can concentrate on whether the girl who sings the Star Spangled Banner is showing any cleavage. How do I get the old magic back?

Also, what kind of doctor are you?

You Saracen Pig.

Sincerely,

At Least He Uses A Newspaper

Well At, I’ll answer the last question first. My degree is actually an honorary PhD bestowed on me by my college fraternity brothers. I’m fairly certain the PhD stands for “Phony Doctor,” because there’s a José Cuérvo label taped to the diploma. Hey, Dr. Laura’s degree is in something like the History of Dry Cleaning, so that makes me at least as qualified as she is to write this crap.

Now, before we delve into a deeply sensitive solution to your original problem, I need to ask you a question: Does the girl who sings the Star Spangled Banner before the hockey games really show cleavage sometimes? Wow, I’ll have to check that out! I’m usually out making popcorn when she sings. Think of those high notes…

As for the “old magic,” it’s not really gone. It has just evolved from the enchanted blazing passion of young romance into the dying embers of two lives quietly slipping downward into a hopeless oblivion of broken dreams. And toenail clippings.

God, that’s awful!

One thing you could try that might add a little fuel to the fire would be to slip away during the last two minutes of that hockey game and come back as the horn blows, wearing nothing but a Steve Yserman jersey and a coy smile.

Who knows – you just might get a game misconduct.

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

Why I ought to whatever your whatever off and whatever you with the bloody whatever.

My boyfriend wears enough cologne to teargas a medium-sized sectarian riot. Whenever he picks me up for a date he smells like an Old Spice truck crashed into the Aramis factory. What gives?

You running-dog capitalist swine.

Signed,

Getting Woozy With The Car Windows Closed

Well Woozy, I’m sorry to tell you that your boyfriend is what is clinically known as a “colognaholic.“

I suspect that at some point in his life he splashed on a little after shave and then, as we say, “got lucky” – by which I (probably) mean that he found a quarter, made three stop lights in a row and won $7 on the lotto.

In his protozoan (male) mind he would naturally draw a parallel between the “scent” and the “luck,” then come to the conclusion that the more of that stuff he slathered on, the luckier he’d get.

Of course most experts who have studied the colognaholic male relate the phenomenon to a deep-seated electrochemical imbalance common to the olfactory neural receptors of all men. In other words, every guy’s sniffer is screwed up. This is why men can happily swap body odors and other mystery smells that would prove dangerous or lethal to most women.

If it makes you feel any better, Woozy, just look at the satisfied, even beatific look you see on your colognaholic’s face when he is in “full-Brut.” Most observers agree that it’s identical to the ecstatic look a dog gets when he’s been rolling in raccoon poop.

My advice to you is to relax and leave the car windows open. And just to be safe, keep your boyfriend away from places where raccoons have been hanging out.

You can send your relationship questions (or answers) to drmike@learnedsofar.com.

Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball