The BONEHED Theory Of Devolution

First published March 3, 2006

Over the past year this column has become a rallying point for people interested in bringing our English language into the twenty-first century. We founded the very first chapter of the Bureau Of Nearly Everybody Hacking English Down, or BONEHED. Since then we have recruited BONEHEDs from throughout the English-bashing world.

As our first order of business, we’ve documented how text messaging has made enormous improvements in our language. In days gone by, a couple would have to end a romantic relationship with a speech like:

“Clyde, I just think we should see other people. Lots of people. In fact we should probably see everybody in the world except each other.”

Now, modern communications technology has made it possible to accomplish this with a simple text message:

“I H8 U.”

As every BONEHED knows, these marvelous changes haven’t come overnight. There has been a long linguistic evolution that has brought us to this pinnacle of communication. For example, consider this comment from a guy about 300 years ago, hiding in the bushes outside a young girl’s window:

Romeo: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

Who is already sick and pale with grief…

And it goes on and on like that. Don’t you just want to grab this guy, shake him, and tell him to spit it out? By the time I was in high school, communication was much improved. The guy in the bushes would say:

Romeo: Whoa! Look at the hot chick on that balcony!

Officer Flannigan: All right, Peeping Tom, you have a right to remain silent…

Isn’t that better? Of course, today Romeo could just hold up his cell phone, take a quick picture, and disappear into the night.

Looking back, though, you have to admit that there have been some useful additions to the language over the past few years. Face it, there are a lot of words that just plain did not exist back when I was in high school.

Of course, my son would be quick to point out that “fire” and “the wheel” didn’t exist either back when I was in high school, but that would be a gross exaggeration. I had wheels on my chariot.

Anyway, it wasn’t that long ago that we never said things like “Internet” or “E-mail.” And if you mentioned any sort of “World Wide Web” your mom would have gone scrambling for a big broom and a can of Raid.

Back then we never heard of a PC, a CD, a VCR, a DVD, or a GPS. We would have thought that a ”blog” was a big wet field where you planted cranberries.

Before October of 2001, if you said, “iPod,” your wife would say, “Well, I hope you put the seat down.”

And the meaning of words has evolved as well. At one time, a “pyramid” was something put together by the ancient Egyptians, not by your sister-in-law the Amway lady. Do you remember when a “thong” was a leather lace you bought for your hunting boot?

Being a die-hard Olympics junkie, I’ve also noticed significant changes in the language of sports. Just a few years ago there was no such thing as a “snowboard,” and a “half pipe” was what you had after your friend “Badger” showed up at the party and sat on the “bong.”

Finally, we should consider the effect of current culture on modern English. For example, one of the Olympic snowboarders finished his run in the half pipe with something called a “Switch Alley Oop Backside Rodeo.” I didn’t actually see the trick, but I just really, really hope it had nothing to do with Brokeback Mountain.

So there you have it, fellow BONEHEDs. Now it’s up to you. Send your examples of the devolution of the English language to me at bonehed@learnedsofar.com.

Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball