Ask Dr. Mike – Relationships

First published March 10, 2006

In this week’s column we’re introducing a new feature, “Ask Dr. Mike,” in which we explore topics relevant to life in today’s complex society through genuine questions from genuine readers, none of which I made up – other than the readers’ names, the questions, and the existence of the readers themselves. Ok, here goes:

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

Why I ought to rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump.

I’d like to know the meaning of relationships and why I can’t seem to get me any of ’em. All I really need in my life is a good woman to meet me at the door with my newspaper when I get home from a hard day at the office, stand by me no matter what my mood may be, and honor me with unconditional love and devotion. Is that too much to ask?

You dirty commie.

Signed,

Plenty Of Love To Give

Well Plenty, it seems like what you’re really looking for there is a cocker spaniel – although you might get some women to go as far as that paper-at-the-door thing if you rub their bellies. All in all, for you I’d recommend a trip to the animal shelter.

As to the meaning of relationships, this is something about which men have always wondered and women have always been angry. You see, we men have a hard time “relating” to another person, sharing thoughts and feelings, and forming deep emotional bonds.

A woman can develop a relationship with a bowl of Häagen-Dazs.

Dear Dr. Funny Guy,

Why I ought to rip your arm off and blah, blah, blah.

I’m an almost unbelievably good-looking, intelligent guy with a great job, lots of money, and I drive a ‘Vette. Why can’t I seem to get any of the ignorant babes I meet to hook up with me in a long-term relationship?

You dirty blah, blah.

Signed,

Too-Good For The Chicks, But Willing To Give Them A Break

Gosh Too-Good, I can’t imagine why you would be having this problem. Maybe it’s your haircut.

A long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a complicated thing. It can end up in marriage, or it can lead to a situation that experts like Dr. Laura might call “living in sin,” which sounds like it would be a lot more interesting than marriage, but usually isn’t. In either case, there are a few important relationship rules you should try to keep in mind.

First, let’s consider the always-tricky issue of money. Just remember, her money is hers. She earned it, and she can damn well do anything she wants to with it.

Of course you should understand that your money is also hers. If you should happen to get some money, your best bet would be to hand it over to her immediately so she can give you some back as an allowance. If you’re good.

Second, never criticize her friends or family, no matter what. This is particularly important when she’s telling you how awful they are. Just nod understandingly, or wrinkle your brow and shake your head, whichever seems appropriate.

By the same token, keep in mind that your friends are fundamentally no good. You’re better off if you never talk to them or about them when she’s around, and you should only see them when she’s otherwise entertained. If you want to play some golf with the guys, buy her a DVD player and the first three seasons of Sex In The City.

Third, if she asks you for your opinion about anything pertaining to her, don’t answer. I just can’t stress this strongly enough. DON’T ANSWER! For instance, if she asks, “Do I look like I’ve gained weight?” just grab your jacket and leave. If you foolishly remain in the line of fire and say, “No Honey, of course not,” she’ll kick off the inevitable verbal death-spiral with something like, “So, you mean I’ve always been fat?”

If you find yourself cut off from an exit in this situation, you’ll find that seizures, compound fractures, or strokes make nice alternatives.

Finally, when it comes to gifts, you can pretty much always assume that she means the opposite of what she says. If she tells you, “Oh, don’t bother buying me anything for Sweetest Day,” just smile, grab a credit card, and head for the mall.

Next week, we hear from the women.

You can send your relationship questions (or answers) to drmike@learnedsofar.com.


Copyright © 2006 Michael Ball