Modern Communication

First published July 15, 2005

I just read about a couple in India who got married by cell phone, because the groom got caught in a monsoon and couldn’t make it through the flood waters to get to the wedding.

Wow! Talk about losing that last really great excuse!


After this, those of you who thought they’d fall back on the old “Honey, I tried to make it home in time to go to the third grade clarinet recital, but a monsoon washed the road out” story may have to rework your strategy. I wonder how fifteen out-of-tune clarinets would sound over a cell phone?

Admittedly, that little device in your pocket can keep you within striking range of just about every variety of nagging and harassment. But try not to blame the technology – it also opens up a whole world of possibilities. Cell phones are invaluable safety tools. They let you immediately call for help if you’ve broken down on the highway, or for your spouse if you become separated in the Discount Club store.

And then there is my friend who uses a sound effects CD in his car to orchestrate excuses for every occasion. Through the magic of electronics, he can sit at the golf course and call his boss from a traffic jam, the emergency room, an airport ticket counter, or the examination room of a spaceship bound for the Crab Nebula.

If you do this though, be very careful when you put the tracks on your CD. My friend had a pretty hard time explaining to his wife why Gwen Stefani suddenly started singing during the “prayer service” that was going on in his Buick parked outside the tavern.

Of course, there will be times when you don’t want to be at the mercy of your cell phone. For those of you who would like to learn to live with or even get the upper hand on your little electronic pal, there are a lot of things you can do that are a little more creative than turning it off and not knowing how to retrieve your voice mail.

First, there’s the “Gosh, I must have dropped the cell or something!” gambit. This one is best used for people who just haven’t figured out that the conversation pretty much ended about ten minutes ago. The key to success here is to start a sentence; “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about the grzzzzzznxxxxt…” And then turn off the power.

Of course there are almost endless variations you can use. The real secret is to master an assortment of “static” noises.

Then there’s the “I’ll have to call you back – I’m getting into heavy traffic – AAAAAaaaarghhhhh!” routine. Use this when you just didn’t look closely enough at the caller ID before you answered the call. Later, you can tell your caller all about the near miss you had while you were talking to them.

Come to think of it, wouldn’t a “near miss” essentially be a ”hit?”

Finally, there’s the “I have to hang up now because I’ve reached the front of the line at the bank, and the cashier just handed me a threatening note!” ploy.

Hey! How about actually hanging up when you get to the front of the line at the bank?

Nah.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball