Can You Get A Hemi In Mauve?

First published May 27, 2005

I’m going to go way out on a limb here and make a bold statement:

Men are real different from women!

There, I said it. If this is going to ignite a firestorm of controversy, so be it. I can take the heat.

Now I’m not talking about the kind of differences your little friends used to point out when you were nine years old and trying to figure out why boys and girls use separate locker rooms. I’m talking about some basic differences in the way our brains are wired.

Suppose I say, “Hey, I got a new car.”

A man will ask, “Did you get the hemi and the towing package?”

A woman will ask, “What color is it?”

Or I ask, “What kind of car are you shopping for?

A man will reply, “A Viagmobile GT. It’ll do zero to sixty in 4.8 seconds – equipped with a hemi and a towing package.”

A woman will reply, “A blue one.”

Let me hasten to add here that I, like every married guy who doesn’t want to sleep in the garage tonight, will testify that women are at least as smart as men, and are entirely capable of understanding complex mechanical things. Women make great scientists, engineers, astronauts, world leaders and even combat pilots. It’s just that you know the female wing commander will wind up standing next to her F18 saying, “Yeah, but I really wish they came in something more interesting than silver.”

Of course, women’s sensibility for appearance goes far beyond colors. Before she leaves the house, my wife spends an minimum of an hour making sure every hair is in place and that she doesn’t have lipstick on her teeth. She knows that every article of clothing she’s wearing looks good together. On the other hand, I go out half the time with my sweatshirt on backwards.

I think the most likely explanation for this discrepancy is that in the case of men, our eyes don’t seem to completely connect to our brains. How else would you explain aloha shirts?

Men actually are theoretically capable of understanding aesthetic concepts. You can explain to me the principals of what looks good and what doesn’t, and I’ll grasp the meaning of every word you say. Then I’ll put on my favorite t-shirt – a kind of faded blue number with a mustard-brown “Barefoot International” logo on it, decorated with a gala pattern of ripped seams and moth holes – look in the mirror, and think I look great.

See? The eyes and the brain just aren’t hooking up.

There actually are a few rudimentary synaptic connections in men’s heads, though. For example, you’ve probably noticed that we’re obsessed with keeping our cars clean and polished. This is because, like most primates, we are attracted by shiny objects.

We can also see things much better when they are in motion, which is why we can spot a phantom tag at second base from three hundred feet, but not the way socks, sandals and hairy legs look together.

This, incidentally, is why a man holding a vacuum cleaner can’t seem to spot a clump of dirt the size of a Hummer on the living room carpet – dirt doesn’t dribble a basketball.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball