Revenge of the Snowbirds

First published March 18, 2005

Last week my column was about Snowbirds, those uncaring people who send us cute postcards from Florida while we’re up here chipping little snot icicles off our upper lips. It seems that there are a few people who didn’t completely agree with the tone of my piece. Some were a little bit militant:

Dear Mr. Funny Guy,

You got a lot of nerve! Why I ought to rip your head off and crap down your neck, you no good commie…

Well, you get the idea.

My favorite letter came from Mrs. Alma Thigwump, who lives in the area with her husband Floyd and their three boys. Mrs. Thigwump sent me her personal journal of their winter vacation to Ft. Lauderdale. Here are a few excerpts:

Day 1 – Gosh, the airport security isn’t nearly as bad as everybody’s been saying. Billy threw up on the lady who was running the x-ray machine, but the lines weren’t too bad.

The flight was great, until Floyd Jr. locked himself in the bathroom and tried to flush his backpack down that cute little steel toilet. The flight attendant told me that the blue stuff will probably stain his clothes, but it should wash right out of his hair.

The claims agent assured us that the airline didn’t lose our bags. They sent them to Guam.

Day 2 – We all got lots of sun today – good thing I packed the SPF 30! Our hotel is beautiful, with palm trees and flowers all around the pool. Tommy threw up in the pool.

There seems to be some sort of cat living in our room, but we can’t seem to catch it.

Day 3 – It rained today. The cat in our room turned out to be a nine pound cockroach – Floyd hit it with his shoe, and it hit him back. We all waited down in the lobby while the manager went up and shot it.

Also, it seems that Floyd Jr. replaced the SPF 30 with Wesson Oil. The doctor says that the blisters will go down in a couple of days, then we’ll all start peeling. Billy threw up on the doctor.

Day 4 – It’s still raining. We went to the mall to buy some underwear, since ours are in Guam. Tommy and Billy took turns throwing up in Starbucks, and Floyd Jr. went swimming in the fountain. The doctor says the rash should go away in a week or so.

Day 5 – We went out to breakfast at the cutest little diner just down the road from the hotel. Floyd Jr. threw up on an elderly couple while we were waiting for a table. We all had pancakes.

Day 6 – Nobody threw up today!

Since the weather has been bad, the kids have used the Pay-Per-View in the room quite a bit. So far we’ve paid $696.15 to watch Freddy vs. Jason one hundred and seventeen times.

Day 7 – Well, our vacation is over. Our suitcases were delivered this morning, just in time for us to go to the airport and send them back to Guam.

We sure will miss Florida, but we’re all glad to be heading home, where the kids can vomit in their own beds.

Ok, Mrs. Thigwump. I stand corrected.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball