No Green Thumb Either

First published April 8, 2005

Ok, so the ice is off the lake and only two of my dock poles, plus my neighbor’s paddle boat, went out with it. It’s Spring! Time for me to avoid working in the yard!

If you happened to read last week’s column, you’ll recall that I am pretty much pathologically tool-challenged. This disability extends to gardening tools, power or otherwise, so if you happen to see me out “puttering” in the yard, you would be well advised to take cover. I’ve actually broken a window with the head flying off a leaf rake.

What brings this to mind is that I saw one of my neighbors outside today, “de-thatching” his yard. He had a little gas-powered machine that was apparently designed to dig out all the old dead grass and leave it there like mown hay, so he could come back around later and rake it up. “I already took ten bags out of the back yard,” he said proudly.

“Way to go,” I replied. “And what in the world would possess you to do that?”

“It aerates the lawn,” he explained. “Otherwise, you’ve got all that thatch down there choking your roots.”

I could just see all my roots down there, gasping for air. “Well we sure as heck don’t want that, do we?” I said.

I toyed briefly with the idea of running right home and de-thatching my own lawn. After all, my neighbor’s little machine did look and sound pretty cool. Fortunately for everyone concerned, I almost immediately came to my senses.

We have a simple system at our house – if it’s alive, my wife is in charge. How this rule applies to the animals (and it does!) will be the subject of a future column, but suffice it to say that all the plants, from the grass to the geraniums, fall under her benevolent protection.

I am allowed to cut the grass, since the plants my wife doesn’t want annihilated are protected by stout mower-proof landscape timbers, and because you can do relatively little damage with a lawn mower (you can do almost unbelievable damage to a lawn mower, but that’s another subject for a future column). I’m also permitted to do a limited amount of hedge trimming, fertilizing and spreading of weed killers, all under strict supervision.

The rationale for our system is obvious. I have trouble telling a daffodil from a dandelion, so I’m really not the ideal candidate for weeding the flower garden. I can kill anything from a fichus to a cactus just by spending a little time alone in a room with it. When the moles moved in and turned our lawn into an underground Grand Prix course, I wanted to name the cute little guys and teach them some tricks.

I once lost control of a roto-tiller and left the yard looking like the aftermath of a carpet bombing.

Now all you women are saying, “He only pretends to be helpless so he can get out of doing all the yard work.”

To that I say, “Geeze, what a great idea! Why, that could work for laundry, or washing dishes, or cleaning, or almost anything! Thanks for the tip, ladies!”

If you have a gardening story to tell me, please send it to mike@learnedsofar.com.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball