The Fourth of July

First published July 2, 2005

Well, here it is – the Fourth of July Weekend! All across the United States something like 286 million bags of crushed ice are heading for coolers, and a similar number of Americans are heading for any place featuring sunshine and other Americans. We’re going to celebrate our nation’s independence.

Most of us know about how our country was founded on the inalienable right to eat brats and play Frisbee on a weekday in July. In the interest of our long-term success as a lawn-party nation, I thought we would take a few minutes and go over some of the finer points of the Big Day.

Hamburgers: These are an essential part of any Fourth of July celebration. The perfect burgers should be cooked over a charcoal fire that is just slightly cooler than the surface of the sun, so that they themselves resemble little flat lumps of charcoal.

Hot Dogs: These get cooked over the same fire as the hamburgers, but not for quite as long. Hot dogs have no nutritional value at all, but they team up with their buns to serve as pretty good delivery vehicles for horseradish and mustard. They are also around to make the hamburgers seem like food by comparison.

Watermelon: I can’t think of anything better on a hot day. Cut it nice and thick, so you can’t eat it without getting juice all over your shirt and up your nose. If you’re over the age of about twelve, you should probably avoid seed-spitting contests.

Potato Salad: Of course it’s good for you. Why else would they call it “salad?”

Sun Screen: Be sure you slather on plenty of sunscreen. This is especially important when your son waits until you fall asleep in the sun, then writes “Loser” on your back with SPF 30.

Aloe: For any spots you missed with the sun screen. If you overlooked the note above, that’s everything except the word “Loser” on your back.

Fireworks: I love watching fireworks, but I leave the actual detonation of them to professionals and self-destructive pyromaniacs.

I once purchased one of those huge bundles of “Legal Fireworks” at the grocery store, judging from the packaging that I would have enough “Safe, Legal” firepower to put on a thirty minute show over the Statue of Liberty.

When I opened it up at home, my arsenal consisted mostly of a variety of plastic gizmos that made puffs of smoke and little farting sounds. The most exciting pyrotechnics we got were sparklers.

I burned my foot stepping on a sparkler.

The Parade: You can’t celebrate the Fourth without watching your friends and neighbors line up and march down Main Street. Better yet, march along with them. Just try not to follow the horses.

The Flag: The American flag is unique in the world. Contrary to the assertions of some folks these days, our flag does not stand for any one political party or point of view. It stands for the rich diversity of opinions, religions, races, and cultural backgrounds that have been forged into an alloy of liberty that is stronger than any metal. And it stands for the countless valiant people who since July 4, 1776 have fought and died to preserve that diversity.

God really does bless America.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball