Big Boys and Toys

First published June 3, 2005

While we’re on the subject of men versus women (We are? Yes, we are. If you had paid attention to last week’s column, you would know that!) we might as well talk about men and our love affair with toys.

I’ll be the first to admit it – most men never really mature a whole lot beyond the Roy Rogers pajamas stage, and I am a prime example. I can still remember lying awake at night, wishing I could be outside playing with my new bike – the one with the streamers hanging from the ends of the handlebars and the playing cards flapping in the spokes.

Of course, over the years the objects of my toy lust have evolved. For one thing, I still have a bike I dream of riding, but I no longer have playing cards in the spokes. No comment on the streamers.

This evolution means that many of the things I now covet as toys tend to be at least allegedly useful. You can attribute this to the fact that my toy fetish is centered in the “Cool Tool Gene” that I mentioned on this page a few weeks ago. In other words, men are genetically programmed to say things like, “I need that reciprocating saw, honey. The one I have doesn’t even begin to reciprocate, and you of all people know how frustrating that can be!”

Women are different. Lacking the Cool Tool Gene, a woman will never buy a tool unless she actually has some kind of use for it. For example, let’s say a woman has a nail that she wants to drive into a wall. If she can’t pound that nail in with her cell phone or with the side of the TV remote, she may break down and buy a hammer.

A guy, on the other hand, will go out and spend $150 on a power drill, then spend weeks searching for something that looks like it could use some holes.

Of course, a woman can get all tingly over a dress, a pair of shoes and matching purse – how silly is that? That’s right, incredible as it may seem, my wife feels pretty much the same way about the crap in her closet as I do about my new weed whacker!

And this brings us to the heart of the difference. You see, a woman can focus her whole existence on a quest to find a little black skirt that’s just a smidgen shorter/longer/blacker than any of the little black dresses she already has. A guy is far more likely to find true fulfillment with something that has at least 150 watts per channel and a subwoofer.

If a man gets a new riding mower, he’ll issue a press release. You’ll never hear that same man call his friend and say, “Phil, you have got to see the new work boots I found! They match my tool belt perfectly – and they were on sale!”

Of course, there is a scientific explanation for all this. You see, researchers have determined that instead of the Cool Tool Gene, women have a thing called the Craving Clothing Chromosome.

But we’ll talk more about that in a future column.

Send your story about big boys and their toys to mike@learnedsofar.com.

Copyright © 2005 Michael Ball